HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW if you don’t communicate with me.

This highschool friend of minethat I had to move in with because of the damage to my apartment due to the Derecho storm, has not made it easy for me to know what’s what… Either she doesn’t know how to communicate or she just doesn’t want to. I believe that behavior speaks louder than words and her behavior is showing me that she wants to switch me out for someone better. I guess since I’ve stayed past the deadline of when she normally has people come stay acting bothered and I don’t even go upstairs to talk to her anymore. Me and my dog stay in the furnace the basement. Exactly like my life when I lived with my ex-husband. I was lonely and alone with no one to talk to. He didn’t know how to communicate period. Which is why my 20 years of being married to him were so miserable.

With Tonja (I’ll call her Tonja) I can completly understand that when you bring another person into your home there has to be some re-adjusting of a few things. But most importantly making them aware of everything they NEED to know. Who to to call if I can’t get ahold of her, if I can’t get in, where the fire extinguisher is stored, etc. Anything like this needs to be known. I can’t sit here guessing!!!

If she doesn’t tell my shit how am I supposed to fucking know!?! 😠 i.e., One evening before I’d left her house she was lying on the couch all relaxef. My phone was dead so I’d left it there to charge. I also left my key behind, assuming she was in for the night. Before I walked out the door I told her aka COMMUNCATED to her that I was going to the grocery store, which because I didn’t have a vehicle, I would have to walk. I told here where I was going. This is when she could have told me her plans as well. It’s on couteous.

Well, when I got back she was gone. 😳 The lights were on, so I knocked. I thought maybe Tonja was in the shower and she couldn’t hear me. So I waited. Then knocked again. By now I thimking “Oh shit, it’s getting kinda cold, it’s getting darker out, people are driving by and starting stare. So I got up and went opened the fence to the back yard. This whole time cursing her out.

Yeh, I’ll take responsibility for stupidly leaving my key and phone behind, but instill feel like she could have at least told me her plans. Shit I tell her mine. Why? Because that’s what “friends” do. Or so I thought. Now I’m starting to think that she has no fucking respect for me at all. Maybe I overshared to much and she’s judging me now.

Of course I should have known the patio door would be locked, but at least I had someplace to shit and put my groceries down. I sat there for almost 1.5 hours freezing my ass off. Then I thought she’s lived here over 10 years, surly she must have a neighbor or two who’ve she’s shared her phone number with just in case anything should happen to her home.

So I got up and went directly next door. Noone was home. Then I tried the neighbors directly across the street from her. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask. They were home and thankfully they DID have her number and dialed her up for me. She happens to be minutes away

As soon as we got in I told her how id left my phone and key and had been waiting for over an hour. You know what she fucking said to me? “Don’t you know the key to my garage?” FUCK NO, you never told me, let alone did I even know you had one. Then I tell her how after a while I finally tried her neighbours. You know what she fucking said, “Well duh, you should have went there first, dumbass” HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THE GARAGE KEY OR THAT YOUR NEIGHBORS HAD YOUR NUMBER. SHE DOESNT TELL ME SHIT. OMG, how I wanted to tear her ass up! But I can’t, she’ll kick me out. I have literally no place else to go. Yet I’m so tired of walking on eggshells around here.

Overnight thinking about how she called me a dumbass, bothered me so much that I decided that the next morning I would tell her that I didn’t appreciate her calling me a dumbass. I didn’t care if she was kidding or not, it unacceptable to call me that and that it was already bad enough that I beat myself up verbally everyday as it was. She apologized, but then had the nerve to ask me why I beat myself up everyday? Like you care!?

She rarely talks to me. She could care less how I’m doing or feeling. And right now I’m feeling so depressed about not finding a place to live because everything is so expensive. And it doesn’t help the mental abuse that I feel as I’m living here. I’m treated as if I don’t exist, just like my husband treated me. I really thought she was different. She puts on a sweet heart fake facade on Facebook.

Why do people keep asking me this…

“Why do you care what people say or think?”

Why do people keep asking me that, as if I’m abnormal. As if there’s something wrong with me??

I argued with my therapist about this dumb as question this morning, as to why people keep asking me, “Why do you care what people say or think about you? morning. Sometimes I feel like she doesn’t validate my feelings, but then again I’m BPD and no matter what she tells me, I think she’s hanging up on me.

Anyway, my therapist challenges me to answer the question. “Hell, I don’t fuckn’ know why I care!” I exclaim back. This is also when I began to get angry because I really wanted to say, “I don’t know, you tell me!” in which she’d come back with some smart ass remark with a smirky smile on her face which makes me want to hit the END SESSION button on the teletherapy video session with her.

I know she means well, but like I’ve read in Psychology Today, BPD patients are the toughest mental disordered people to work with. Now I know why and I can’t stand myself.

I can’t be the only person on this planet who cares what people think about them. I can’t be the only person who has low self-esteem, extremely sensitive about what people may think about me. I’ll admit I go through many phases and especially when I’m triggered.

Like currently my roommate who’ve I’ve been “temporarily” staying with since August 25, (because of the Derecho Storm Damage to my apartment) ask me, I didn’t ask her, she asked me to come stay with her until my apartment was fixed. Yet this whole stay has been miserable for me.

She askes like she doesn’t even like me. The fucked up thing is, we went to highschool together, we were in Show Choir together, we’ve talked on Facebook messenger at times, I’m on her, Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter account, etc, and she acts like she has no interest in even having a conversation with me. I’m lonely here. She triggers my experience with my ex husband who emotionally abused me for 17 years.

I just don’t understand how you can live under the same roof with someone and they never conversate with you! I just don’t get it and I never will!! It’s like walking on eggshells living here. I can’t stand it I would go in and talk to her, but she’s always on her phone. Either it be Facebook (snapping pics of herself and getting a million likes or loves) Twitter, Instagram, Snap Chat or watching her recorded TV shows. I don’t want to go in there and bother her.

Maybe it is me. When I don’t get paid attention to I get ANGRY, I mean really angry. I’m not a physical type of angry
I just it and it becomes resentment. Just like I did with my ex husband. He paid more attention to everything else he loved (recorded TV shows reptiles and snakes, exotic fish with high maintenance fish tanks, garden, mowing …. He’d find anything that he could just to not be involved with me, not to speak to me, not to love me. Which is narcissistic neglect that I suffered for years and years.

Now wonder I’m so fucked up at the age of 48. But that’s irrelevant right now.

I guess by the end of the day, all I need is someone to talk to and she has no interest in doing so. 😥