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Triggering

I read an entry from a fellow writers blog today and it was very triggering me. It’s almost as if we’re living the life. I feel for her, just like I felt for myself. TRAPPED in a loveless marriage. Our fears and obligations are what keeps us stuck.

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW if you don’t communicate with me.

This highschool friend of minethat I had to move in with because of the damage to my apartment due to the Derecho storm, has not made it easy for me to know what’s what… Either she doesn’t know how to communicate or she just doesn’t want to. I believe that behavior speaks louder than words and her behavior is showing me that she wants to switch me out for someone better. I guess since I’ve stayed past the deadline of when she normally has people come stay acting bothered and I don’t even go upstairs to talk to her anymore. Me and my dog stay in the furnace the basement. Exactly like my life when I lived with my ex-husband. I was lonely and alone with no one to talk to. He didn’t know how to communicate period. Which is why my 20 years of being married to him were so miserable.

With Tonja (I’ll call her Tonja) I can completly understand that when you bring another person into your home there has to be some re-adjusting of a few things. But most importantly making them aware of everything they NEED to know. Who to to call if I can’t get ahold of her, if I can’t get in, where the fire extinguisher is stored, etc. Anything like this needs to be known. I can’t sit here guessing!!!

If she doesn’t tell my shit how am I supposed to fucking know!?! 😠 i.e., One evening before I’d left her house she was lying on the couch all relaxef. My phone was dead so I’d left it there to charge. I also left my key behind, assuming she was in for the night. Before I walked out the door I told her aka COMMUNCATED to her that I was going to the grocery store, which because I didn’t have a vehicle, I would have to walk. I told here where I was going. This is when she could have told me her plans as well. It’s on couteous.

Well, when I got back she was gone. 😳 The lights were on, so I knocked. I thought maybe Tonja was in the shower and she couldn’t hear me. So I waited. Then knocked again. By now I thimking “Oh shit, it’s getting kinda cold, it’s getting darker out, people are driving by and starting stare. So I got up and went opened the fence to the back yard. This whole time cursing her out.

Yeh, I’ll take responsibility for stupidly leaving my key and phone behind, but instill feel like she could have at least told me her plans. Shit I tell her mine. Why? Because that’s what “friends” do. Or so I thought. Now I’m starting to think that she has no fucking respect for me at all. Maybe I overshared to much and she’s judging me now.

Of course I should have known the patio door would be locked, but at least I had someplace to shit and put my groceries down. I sat there for almost 1.5 hours freezing my ass off. Then I thought she’s lived here over 10 years, surly she must have a neighbor or two who’ve she’s shared her phone number with just in case anything should happen to her home.

So I got up and went directly next door. Noone was home. Then I tried the neighbors directly across the street from her. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask. They were home and thankfully they DID have her number and dialed her up for me. She happens to be minutes away

As soon as we got in I told her how id left my phone and key and had been waiting for over an hour. You know what she fucking said to me? “Don’t you know the key to my garage?” FUCK NO, you never told me, let alone did I even know you had one. Then I tell her how after a while I finally tried her neighbours. You know what she fucking said, “Well duh, you should have went there first, dumbass” HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THE GARAGE KEY OR THAT YOUR NEIGHBORS HAD YOUR NUMBER. SHE DOESNT TELL ME SHIT. OMG, how I wanted to tear her ass up! But I can’t, she’ll kick me out. I have literally no place else to go. Yet I’m so tired of walking on eggshells around here.

Overnight thinking about how she called me a dumbass, bothered me so much that I decided that the next morning I would tell her that I didn’t appreciate her calling me a dumbass. I didn’t care if she was kidding or not, it unacceptable to call me that and that it was already bad enough that I beat myself up verbally everyday as it was. She apologized, but then had the nerve to ask me why I beat myself up everyday? Like you care!?

She rarely talks to me. She could care less how I’m doing or feeling. And right now I’m feeling so depressed about not finding a place to live because everything is so expensive. And it doesn’t help the mental abuse that I feel as I’m living here. I’m treated as if I don’t exist, just like my husband treated me. I really thought she was different. She puts on a sweet heart fake facade on Facebook.

Why do people keep asking me this…

“Why do you care what people say or think?”

Why do people keep asking me that, as if I’m abnormal. As if there’s something wrong with me??

I argued with my therapist about this dumb as question this morning, as to why people keep asking me, “Why do you care what people say or think about you? morning. Sometimes I feel like she doesn’t validate my feelings, but then again I’m BPD and no matter what she tells me, I think she’s hanging up on me.

Anyway, my therapist challenges me to answer the question. “Hell, I don’t fuckn’ know why I care!” I exclaim back. This is also when I began to get angry because I really wanted to say, “I don’t know, you tell me!” in which she’d come back with some smart ass remark with a smirky smile on her face which makes me want to hit the END SESSION button on the teletherapy video session with her.

I know she means well, but like I’ve read in Psychology Today, BPD patients are the toughest mental disordered people to work with. Now I know why and I can’t stand myself.

I can’t be the only person on this planet who cares what people think about them. I can’t be the only person who has low self-esteem, extremely sensitive about what people may think about me. I’ll admit I go through many phases and especially when I’m triggered.

Like currently my roommate who’ve I’ve been “temporarily” staying with since August 25, (because of the Derecho Storm Damage to my apartment) ask me, I didn’t ask her, she asked me to come stay with her until my apartment was fixed. Yet this whole stay has been miserable for me.

She askes like she doesn’t even like me. The fucked up thing is, we went to highschool together, we were in Show Choir together, we’ve talked on Facebook messenger at times, I’m on her, Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter account, etc, and she acts like she has no interest in even having a conversation with me. I’m lonely here. She triggers my experience with my ex husband who emotionally abused me for 17 years.

I just don’t understand how you can live under the same roof with someone and they never conversate with you! I just don’t get it and I never will!! It’s like walking on eggshells living here. I can’t stand it I would go in and talk to her, but she’s always on her phone. Either it be Facebook (snapping pics of herself and getting a million likes or loves) Twitter, Instagram, Snap Chat or watching her recorded TV shows. I don’t want to go in there and bother her.

Maybe it is me. When I don’t get paid attention to I get ANGRY, I mean really angry. I’m not a physical type of angry
I just it and it becomes resentment. Just like I did with my ex husband. He paid more attention to everything else he loved (recorded TV shows reptiles and snakes, exotic fish with high maintenance fish tanks, garden, mowing …. He’d find anything that he could just to not be involved with me, not to speak to me, not to love me. Which is narcissistic neglect that I suffered for years and years.

Now wonder I’m so fucked up at the age of 48. But that’s irrelevant right now.

I guess by the end of the day, all I need is someone to talk to and she has no interest in doing so. 😥

First real post comes from after the Cain.

Yes, that right. I finally got the strength and courage to leave my abusive husband of 18 years, move across the state, become independent, get a cute lil apartment and guess what happens? A fucking Hurricane takes it all way 😥 Today as a Facebook post I wrote:

I woke up feeling severely depressed. I wanna go back to my own apartment. I wish I could live in it while they rebuild around me, but it’s inhabitable. I don’t want to keep packing up my stuff and moving it from here to there. I had a stablity. My own lil place to go home to. Now it’s gone.

My aunt Fran is helping me transport my stuff back and forth from here to there and then back again. We’re both exhausted. That’s why I detest asking for help. I detest having to need help. Yesterday aunt Fran, her husband and I toted what we could up and down my apartments narrow wet, and soggy carpeted stairs dragging out anything we could (and they’re not in the best shape or age to be doing that. It was very dangerous because the construction men were working on the roof nailing and pounding. Shingles were falling to the ground around us, and nails were everywhere. One of us could have stepped on a nail or a piece of glass.

Maybe I’m stubborn, but I just can’t leave behind 18 years of memories. Most of that stuff we toted were belongs I brought here to Iowa from Texas; my son’s baby albums, my old high school and college graduation diploma, and trust me much much more.

I looked around the parking lot thinking why isn’t anyone else ding this? Why aren’t they panicking to get their memories out? As a matter of fact I asked the office manager as we were finally loading up and you know what she said? “Theyre not worried about it because they have renters insurance.”
My response was ” How is renters insurance going to pay for the memories you brought with you? ” She just shrugged her shoulders. I’m pretty sure her home or apartment wasn’t affected as badly as all of ours, so of course she can shrug. 🙄 I didn’t finally leave my husband after 18 years, fill a UHaul truck up with every shred of myself from youth to adult plus my only babyboys memories as well (baby books, picture albums, football jersey, etc) just to sacrifice it to the Hurricane God. I couldn’t give a crap about the furniture. I just wanted those memories. Non of which included my unhappy marriage, but the only person I lived for anyway, my only son. ❤️ I can’t help I’m sentimental.

Aunt Fran and I grabbed what we could, and I’d hate to think about it what we left behind or I’ll tear again. I’m not sure what I what to do now. I hate burdening people and moving into their “space” when I had my own space almost two weeks ago. I’ve learned not to expect or count on anything from anyone because if you do, you’ll get let down.
Life sucks! I hate you life 😠 I think I’m going to call the Distaster trauma crisis line today. I just can’t do this. This is just too much. 😥

and it really too much. If I wanted to up and move it should have been my choice not a fucking hurricane. Now I’m like.. lost. Like, WTH!!? All my shots gone. I didn’t have much, but damn.

Friendships

I can’t decide which hurts worse. Being unfriended by someone you’ve stuck by during two of the most tramatic points in her life (that I know of, anyway) or the fact that she did it because you hurt a friend you both shared together without giving you any explanation why or even talking to you at all about it. I’m kinda stunned right now. Cheating, especially while living under the same roof) on your spouse just because you’re unhappy doesn’t solve anything.

Yeh, I’ve been unhappy. Very unhappy. Miserable one could even say. One could even say that I’ve emotionally cheated at least 10 times in the past 22 years I’ve been married, (still married, but separated as of 3 years now.) However, I’ve never went as far as sleeping with another person 🤢🤮 as a matter of fact everytime I even thought about it, I’d feel sick with guilt and I hadn’t even done it…

Anyway, this woman (dear, friend of mine up until a few days ago) cheated on her wife. Like me she’d been miserable and unhappy. Well, the woman she cheated with was in my opinion was con artist who happened to manipulate my friend out of thousands of dollars with the first 4 to 6 months. I kept telling and warning my friend that this other woman was using her as well as lying about why she needed the money. I’m sorry, but how stupid, naive, and asinine can you be to continue to be fed the same manipulative bullshit every single time…and realize it the whole time!?! This whole time claiming that “I know, I think your right, but I love her and she loves me.” 🙄 I’m like, “c’mon , can’t you see that she’s using you!?!”

Her whole dramatic love affair was affecting me so much that it was all I could think about. Why did I even care?… Why, because she was my friend and I wanted to protect her, but she just wasn’t listening and became more and more blind and stubborn month by month. Eventually, I told her to just stop talking about this other woman because all it was doing was making me angry at the con artist and even madder at her, especially because she would ask me for advice and share my tech skills to basically stalk her “side-chick-con-artist”, to find out why she wasn’t texting her back, why her “side chick’s” messenger would show available up until she popped on in the morning then switch to unavailable, how could she tell if her “side chick” had opened her text or not, why her side chick wasn’t answering everyone of her hourly calls a day and last but not least, my friend was constantly worried if her con-artist-side-chick was still sleeping with her live-in roommate which was also her ex-girlfriend who despised their relationship.

I just wanted out! I wanted out of the drama! I couldn’t take it anymore.

All this time, my friend continued to Western Union hundreds of dollars a week to this nut!!😮 Every time this other woman asked for it, my friend would send it. 😠 I’d tell my friend, that the next time her side chick asked for money to tell her no and see what her response would be. Low and behold, the side chick asked again, my friend said no, but with a little manipulation from the side chick, my friend would end up sending a few hundred dollars again.

Eventually, I stopped talking to her. I avoided her for months. She’d attempt to say “hi”, every now and then, but I’d ignore her because as soon as I’d say “hi” back, I feared she’d start talking about this other woman or how now her wife was divorcing her and taking mostly everything, one reason being because of her infidelity and the other reason was that her wife was a lazy, scornful, vindictive bitch anyway (or at least that’s what I was told). In addition to my FEAR I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep from saying, “That’s what you get.” I wasn’t going to feel sorry for her anymore.

Welp, I ended up doing just that day before yesterday in a Facebook message, after which I felt terrible and very judgmental. 😔 I told her how I felt about the whole infedelity, how she made me feel as I was enabling her, supporting her and causing me to stress about her shit! She’d because toxic to me. Just like I was toxic to people who I complained to about Robert, but never did anything to change the situation. Not saying that I hadn’t tried. I just felt so trapped in that marriage. BUT I NEVER CHEATED. Oh, and I had to add on how much of a fool she was for allowing this other woman (who basically told her on several occasions) that she had lied about some expected income she was waiting on to pay my friend back for all that money she asked for, 🙄 which I repeatedly warned my friend that that was a lie too. BUT SHE JUST WOULDN’T LISTEN TO ME. When the side chick finally confessed that it was a lie, my friend still remained in the relationship with this woman which REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off!!!!!! 😠😡💣🤯👿

The Facebook Message I sent a few days to her was actually about me setting boundaries for myself. Boundaries I’ve always had difficulties setting and then following through with.

In conclusion, my other dearest friend dumpped me as well, because of my setting boundaries with other friend. At first I cried (weped truthfully), I felt like killing myself. Then I talk to my therapist yesterday afternoon, which said that I did the right thing (accepting being unfriended) for setting these boundaries and if my other friend was just going to let me go that easily (because of someone else’s choices) then she really wasn’t a friend at all.

Borderline Personality Disorder- My lasted newer discovery

I want to vent about something and I’m being very vulnerable as I’m doing this. I’ve been seeing a new therapist for almost 3 years. I went in there knowing that I had a mental disability, but I was in denial. Although she knew what it was she would not come right out and remind me “Your behaving this way because you have a _______”, so we spent two and a half years pussyfooting around the diagnosis which was given to me over 25 years ago by my very first psychiatrist. Anyway, these bahavioral patterns/signs of mine regarding the mental disorder, truthfully I failed to associate the two and I don’t know why. All I know is I kept repeating them over and over losing friend after friend. My tendency to constantly push friends and relationships away for the silliest reasons I wound up being alone. All these years the good friends I’ve accused of doing things to me or not caring enough, I just learned were actually signs of Borderline Personality Disorder and I was diagnosed with it over over 25 years ago which soon after I went into denial. I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t understand the details of it or the specific signs and behaviors of it. All I did knew was that the stigma for BPD was associated with being a really negative thing peoples eyes. All these years the good friends I’ve accused of doing things to me or not caring enough, I just learned were actually signs of BPD. My therapist also just started introducing me to a new term called COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS. And I googled it. I couldn’t believe what I have read!!😮 Most every one of those traits were me! Just like the link I’ve provided on how people with BPD self- sabotage, described me! I was tripping out. I cried. I hated myself for hurting three out of five of the closest friends I’ve ever trusted. Now those friends will never trust me again, which I don’t blame them anymore. I used to, but now knowing what I know the friends I had don’t deserve being treated like that.

P. S. And just to let you know Borderline Personality Disorder is such a complex and broad-spectrum Disorder. No case is the same.

borderline and self sabotage