Kindness follows cruelty and vice versa

Just like I expected, even after comprising this list and giving (texting) it to him, he still managed to morph himself into the victim!!!!

What I texted him (since he won’t let me speak):

Actions speak louder than words. Last night you claimed that you cared, well you don’t act like it.
This is how you treat me.
1. You avoid me at all costs
2. You treat me like I’m not even in the room acknowledging only
Nathan and Beevo but never me.
3. You don’t speak to me for fear that if I have to speak my mind, you won’t like it.
So you chose not to speak to me at all.
4. I could be standing right in your face and you will act like you don’t even see me.
5. You treat me like I’m not allowed to have hurt feelings and
I’m not allowed to express them
6. You treat me like you can’t stand me.
7. You treat me like I’ve done something wrong
and asked you wouldn’t tell me.
8. You treat me like I’m a liar. Taking our sons word over mine.
Which means that you do not trust me.
9. You’re immediately suspicious of me and my whereabouts including  what men I talk to within the  community. But it’s ok for YOU to refuse to talk to me at all.
10. You treat me like you don’t believe what I say. As if an explanation wouldn’t matter anyway
11. You don’t show common courtesy to me as you would someone else.
12. You don’t speak to me the way you would anyone else, including our son.
13. You will not allow me to speak my mind. You’ll either interrupt me or you’ll wait for me to stop so you can tell me that you’re right and I am wrong, no matter what.

Last but not least, your response to every quarrel is “No, that’s how or what YOU do!” but you can NEVER back it up because you know that you’re lying. I DO NOT treat you the way that you treat me. And if it seems (to you) like I do, do you expect me to just lie down and take it?????

I was sitting at the dining room table when he read this. The whole time I could hear him mumbling the words, “Whatever!”  Then all the sudden he gets up, puts his cap on and leaves. Twenty minutes later, he comes back with a plate of chocolate covered strawberries and slams them down on the table in front of my face.

And starting saying how last night after we got off the phone he ordered them immediately just because I bitched about not even being told Happy Birthday from him. Well, EXCUUUUSE the HELL out of me! I didn’t mean to inconvenience you!

This was also his opportunity to do the old switch a roo on me, and once again claim that I needed to respect him if I wanted him to respect me. Of course, when I demanded that he give me examples of what he meant by that, he said that I should already know and that he DID NOT have to tell me.  

But just as he was getting upset with me just letting them sit on the kitchen table in front of me out teenage son comes in from school, swoops them up and eats every chocolate strawberry (my favorite), leaving me with a few chocolate covered chopped apple pieces and bananas. Leaving with next to nothing. Did his father say anything in defense to stopping him from doing it because they were for his mama’s birthday? Nope.

His “go to” response for EVERYTHING!

 His “go-to” response for everything is ALWAYS “No, that’s what YOU do!!!”

Ever since I’ve known my husband and whenever I’d get up the courage to go to him and tell him how I felt about the way he treated me, his answer had/has always been, “No, that’s what YOU do!”  I’m sitting there clenching my fists and thinking, “why don’t you EVER have anything else to say other than coming back at me with that same old response every time????” It reminds me of something a child would say to another just to be a brat.

I now know that this is one of the traits of narcissism or mental abuse called blame shifting. Here is a better explanation of what I’m talking about The Warning Signs of an Abuser.

It’s like, instead of him addressing our issues and admitting fault he’d rather accuse me of having done it to him which is why he does it to me. Here’s my proof. This is our text “fight” we had last night around 10:00 pm, when I finally broke down and told him how hurt I was from him not telling me Happy Birthday yesterday. After he got to work he called and tried to start a conversation about our son getting home late from football and how there was no food in the house for him to snack on but it was my fault because he had called me earlier and I didn’t pick up the phone to tell him what I had wanted so he didn’t bother picking up anything. He also said that if I was hungry all I had to do was tell him what I wanted to eat but I wouldn’t pick up the phone (of course not, I was hurt!). Oh, and I have him in my phone as Mr. Hyde, of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde LOL!!

I got furious because I was already upset about my birthday and I loudly exclaimed that all I wanted that day was for him to tell me Happy Birthday. Then I hung up on him. That’s when this text fight between us began.

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Then of course last but not least I am ALWAYS called a liar. His go to last response in an attempt to end the conversation. You’re all  probably thinking, that I’m the crazy one for putting all of this online but at this point, I just DONT care! Other women need to know how mental abusers are. How they play mind games.

When my husband keeps talking about me “acting” like I’m not doing anything wrong or “You know what you do, stop acting like you don’t.” Whenever I have asked him, “Then what I do? PLEASE tell me so that I can work on it???” When I ask him this I sincerely want to know, but he will never tell me, or he’ll  just keep repeating, “You know what you do!” It drives me crazy and makes me wonder about myself. This is what I think it means by when the abuser makes you question if you’re the crazy one or not. And honestly the only thing I’ll admit to being guilty of is not having sex with him because he’s a fucking dick who does not respect me in any way. He’s MEAN and ONRY to me and KIND and considered a “GOOD GUY” to everyone else. I truly think that he wants me to kiss his ass!

See for the past 13 years, he would treat me shitty and I would still submit, (have sex, be his slave, cook, clean etc.) to him. BUT NOW for the past 2 years, I’ve been standing up for myself in regards to educating myself on Mental Abusers, Emotional Abuse, Narcissism, etc. I have reading quotes to inspire strength within myself. I have been learning that the way that I am being treated is NOT right!! And that I do not have to take it!! The problem is the more I stand up for myself, the meaner he gets. What I once allowed (the treatment from him) and let him get away with, I will not allow it anymore (or I’m struggling to maintain not allowing) and he is PISSED about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No matter what I say the problem with him is, the problem with me is always the same in his mind. Lack of SEX being NUMERO UNO. Or, as he says whenever I accuse him of something he does hurtful to me, “No, that’s what YOU do!” Which is bullshit!

I can relate to everything that is on each one of these lists. Maybe you will too?? The red pin on the end, I designed myself to try and prove a point. I wear it every day in front of him. But does it matter? No.

Happy Birthday to Me today

Today is my bir-day. What did I do? Nothing. My husband came home at 6:30 am, he spoke to our 16 year old son, who was sitting right beside me but said nothing to me. He then proceeded to our bedroom where he closed the door to go to bed for the day.

To be truthful, I’d completely forgotten my birthday was today. I mean it was coming up but I hadn’t realized it was coming up so fast. It’s weird because although I kept telling myself to be prepared to be disappointed, foolishly I still give him the benefit of the doubt. I always fucking do on Mothers Day and my Birthday.

Oh shit! Is this what they call being positive!!?? Because if it is, “being positive” IS A JOKE! Which is why I’m not most of the time.

Well let’s see.. it’s 4:22 pm. My husband’s been up from his rest since 3:00 pm. Has he even said, hi, hows it goin? , whatcha doin?, or even, by the way “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

No he hasn’t. Do I wanna cry? Umm.. a little.
Do I feel stupid for expecting this to happen and although it did, I’m still very hurt?
Uhh… you damn skippy.
That’s what I get. I can’t go numb. I CAN’T GO NUMB!! 😠 and it’s because of this, I’ll always get hurt.

When I say I’m used to it, IT doesn’t make it right.

You can walk around here ignoring me day by day acting as if I don’t exist until something thats normally done by me doesn’t get done or you have no choice but to ask me question for which afterwards you act as if you knew already anyway. I don’t even get a fucking thank you.

It’s hurtful. It’s always been hurtful since the very beginning, but what good would it do to tell you when all you’d do is reverse the reasons why you are the way you are towards me is because I am the way I am towards you, which is bullshit. I know because when I ask you to back up your alligations with facts, you don’t seem to have any. It’s fucking childish and what it all boils down to is mental and emotional abuse and there’s NO excuse for either!

His being a narcissist or even unhappy or miserable, isn’t an excuse to treat another person like shit. That’s why I believe there’s more to his illness than I’m willing to stick around for. I mean, for peets sake, it’s already been over 15 years. Besides why do these types of people get to have an excuse!? That’s a rhetorical question, and a dumb one as well.

It’s like when women say, “Men will be men”, and then they laugh as if pretending not to be humiliated or embarresed by it. In my opinion, It gives the man the go ahead to act any dumbass, disrespectful way that they please while knowing their wives will excuse their behavior between themselves. Think about it. I don’t care what some neurology book says about how the man’s brain is made up differently or that it produces this or that. He’s still being a dick!

When I left my husband back in 2012 (This was my fourth attempt, except this time I stayed away 10 months) having the legitimate excuse as to why I felt leaving my son behind with my husband (because it was my sons choice) and that I left my husband because of his driving me literally mental, he had the nerve to look at me with this fake ass sympathetic expression and respond with, “but it didn’t make it right.” I’ve never wanted to punch anybody in the face so badly in my life! Fuck you! Who are you to tell me if my leaving you was a good enough excuse or not, you self-righteous asshole! You’re an abuser, why should believe anything you say anyway?!?

For years and years I hadn’t thought my husband had the ability to even tell a lie. He always came off so… angelic. As if he wore a halo. What I mean is, he didn’t allow cussing, he played this “good guy” role. Would never lie, never steal, always honest. He even preached to me about me not” taking” little shit like cool looking silverware when we were eating out. So I never would have believed that he’d tell a lie, not even a white one. Boy did he have me fooled.

In “his head“, me not having sex with him even though he treats me like crap, isn’t a good enough excuse.
Well, in “my head“, it is and it will always be with any man I’m involved with.

Telepathic Transmission

Wait… Am I the Narcissist?

By The Narcissist’s Wife

Here’s a really f*cked up thing about being married to a narcissist. After so many years, the line separating where he ends and I begin, seems to have gotten a little blurry. And, I find myself constantly, second-guessing myself. Wondering…[more like panicking, fearing, being terrified of finding that] perhaps….just maybe…. Am I a narcissist, too?

I know, it’s crazy, right? How do you not know if you’re the abuser, or the abused? You’ve got to know these things…right? Well, I guess not, because some days, I’m not sure who is who anymore. And some days, that really freaks me out. Of course, the thing that keeps me from totally losing my shit, is knowing, for certain (well, as ‘for certain’ as I can be after years of gaslighting, and mind-f*cking, anyway), that if I am, in fact, a narc, then at the very least, I am what I’ve heard referred to as a “healthy narcissist”. I’m sure of that much. The rest is a bunch on confusion soup.

See, I’ve read probably a hundred lists, detailing all the signs, symptoms, warning, and red flags, of a narcissist…. and to be quite frank- I fit a lot of the signs. *I hang my head in shame here*…But, then again, I feel like my reasons, for why I fit into these descriptions is totally explainable. And simple….It’s because of him! 

But there you have it…again, another sign…not taking accountability. Ugh! I’m being completely confusing, aren’t I? OK, well- I’ll give you an example.

On one site, I read that a red flag that you’re with a narcissist, is that he won’t let you get a word in edge-wise, during an argument. He believes that his point of view is the “one and only right one”, and there is no need for you to even speak, because you’re already wrong. And, I admit it. I do this. Not to everyone though…only to my husband, and only when I know I’m right- which is pretty often…OK, almost always…but you know what? I can’t help that.

I’m not trying to be arrogant, I swear! I’m just being honest. I’m a really smart person- aside from that whole ‘married a narcissist’ thing. Obviously, not one of my brighter moments- and, as a smart person, I wouldn’t be arguing with my husband about something, unless I knew, for sure, that I was right (or, in the right). And, really, how could I NOT be right? He’s a damned narcissist!  Even still, though, I wouldn’t argue unless I was well-prepared to back it up with some serious “fact-age” (Yes, that’s my word, I made up, just now. And, yes, you may use it, if you like), but, I can totally see how I could come off looking like an insufferable know-it-all, or as though I’m not interested in his opinions, since I’m always so damn sure I’m right. This leans heavily towards the “Narcissist” category.

Of course, there is one important factor to consider, I think. When I’m debating someone, other than my husband, I do actually take the time to hear their point of view. I really try to understand where they’re coming from. This is why I also happen to be a rather persuasive person, as well. This knack, I have, for understanding another person’s point of view. And see now? That’s empathy, which narcissist’s don’t have… but, since I am only showing empathy to others, and narcissists mainly act nasty to their primary supply source…  maybe I’m on a spectrum?

Maybe not. Who knows? See, the biggest thing is that many of the narcissistic traits, that I display, are only in reference to my husband- and my dealings with him. I only dismiss his “side”, or his “feelings”, because his “side”, and his “feelings”, are all lies, or genius little mind-f*cks. You can see that, yes, I do cut him off a lot, and yes, I flat out tell him that I’m not interested in his side. But, that’s only because if I let him talk, he gaslights, crazy-makes, or confounds the whole issue with his half-truths, and rationalizations.

But is that just ME rationalizing and justifying shitty behavior?

Another (quick) example of a sign of narcissism, that I fit pretty damn good…is that whole “sense of grandiosity” thing, I guess. Not just because I happen to be a smarty pants (a.k.a. insufferable know-it-all), but I am also convinced that I am destined for greatness, somehow. I believe that, in some way, I will change the world. I believe I have special talents, and that, if I apply myself enough, that I will achieve something that no one else has ever done, nor even attempted (as far as I know). I believe that it is my destiny to do this thing.

So, does that make me a narc? I don’t know. The big kicker here is that, when you’re a narcissist, you’re unconscious of your behaviors. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t know what you’re doing. You do…you just don’t comprehend the “why” part, of the doing it, and so it all gets twisted, and reality gets a little tweaked, and your motives are rationalized to the point where you actually believe what you’re saying.

So, now here’s the million dollar question………

Do I believe all these things about myself because they are based on actual reality? Do I say I’m smart because I’ve got the IQ to back it up? (yes) And do I believe that I’m destined to change the world because I’ve accomplished something amazingly amazing? (ummm….well…..no…not yet, anyway…..but I’m working on it. Does that count?)

I guess the reality is that I DO exhibit a lot of narcissistic behaviors, and I justify those behaviors by saying that the only person I act that way toward is my husband- because I am defending myself from his abuse. But does that matter? While I have compassion, and empathy, to spare [Dear God, Thank You!], and therefore I know that whatever brand of narcissism I happen to exhibit, it isn’t the destructive, malignant kind, does that really excuse me not giving the same due consideration to my husband, that I would any other stranger? I know lots of people would say that yes, I am excused….but I don’t know.

‘An eye for an eye’, will only get me so far, I think. Because if both of us are blind, how long before both of us are narcissists?

To Freedom, Love & Fearlessness
And, to having the freedom to love without fear

~ The Narcissist’s Wife ~

I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.

Have you ever felt like this after you’ve just shared something painstakingly personal with someone? Well I have. The feeling and the thought comes from divulging information to someone who youre not quite sure if your intuition about trusting them is a good idea or not.

My narcissist husband is one of these people. I’ve been telling him deep personal shit about me for years and he has told me nothing about himself. The slap in the face comes when in the heat of an “argument” as he a calls it, he brings hurtful things about me up again or my mother (that’s the stinger) and such traumatic things. Things about my sexual abuse as a child, things about the dysfunction in my family (when the sanity in his family isn’t any better either). I could stoop to his level and do the same, but I bite my tongue because those people have been nothing but kind to me. More kind to me then he’s ever been.

Trust me I could bring up some mean shit if I really wanted to be as cruel as he is. I shouldn’t but I’ll mention just a few right now
1. His father is illiterate, mentally slow and can’t function on his own

2. My husband was raised by his aunt and uncle in a small house with 9 other people because after his mother left his dad, his dad couldn’t take care of them (because he’s mentally slow, and the courts would have taken him and his younger away). His still lives in this house being taken care of by his sister for over 35 years.

3. I believe my husband was abused in some way and has never told anyone. Either that or he resents his uncle so much for yelling at his mentally slow father so much and acting as guardian and not allowing him to go out for the sports which he loved, that it’s really fucked him up someway now.

I could easy mention all of this and just hit my husband below the belt if I wanted to, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. The main reason is because his father is one of the kindest people I’ve ever met and have felt sorry for (besides myself). His father doesn’t deserve me speaking like that about him. He didn’t do anything to me. My husband did.

If I knew then what I know now

I recently read a fellow blog about recognizing the signs or traits of an emotional, mental, physical abuse, or even one with such a narcissistic personality. I am no professional psychologist, although I do play one on tv. Naaaah, I’m kidding. But seriously, I am writing my blog based off of my own experiences and not to pass judgment on anyone else but myself-LOL!

LOOK FOR THE WARNING SIGNS. BE OVERLY CAUTIOUS if you need to be. The thing is I had no idea back then what the warning signs looked like. But I did have an intuition that worked, but I didn’t listen to her. There were things that bothered me about my now husband aka my narcissist that may have been signs that I chose to overlook. Or they could have simply been me giving him the benefit of the doubt while trying not to be  judgemental. Now that I think about it, some of these things that I name off are more judgy than signs which really perplexes me. Which goes to show indications of abusive characteristics aren’t always obvious..

• he smoked weed (I never have, but everyone else does, no big deal right?)
• he had wrecked his car which instead of calling and having it taken car of and towed away, he just let it sit in the apartments parking lot (shows irresponsibility, but no big deal right?)
• he owned a snake which he knew was not allowed in the apartments (everyone tries to sneak in a pet here and there right)
• he had used to own a Shar Pei, which again he snuck into his apartment that wasn’t supposed to be there (everyone tries to be sneaky sometimes right?)
• when I first met his father I walked into his apartment and saw a man sitting on his bed, with his head held down staring at the floor and weirdly rocking back and forth with no expression on his face (no big deal right?)
• one day I walked up to his apartment and the door was wide open and I walked in to find him stumbling around completely naked and drunk off of 8 Long Island Ice Teas (that’s typical right?) So what, if I got scared, jumped in my car and drove off leaving him because I though he was on drugs
• he told me that he had never had a girlfriend before when he was in school (red flag!) He says it was because he was quiet and shy, but I don’t believe that anymore…
• The woman he had dated right before me was an older black woman with child. She was about 2 years older than me which would have made her about 30. My narcissist was 24 when I met him. He told me that they only dated a short while and that she broke it off. (WELL I WONDER WHYYYY HMMMM….)
• When we went out together to a club which my kinda thing back then, he didn’t like it, AT ALL. I didn’t understand if it was just because he didn’t want me to go or was this the first signs of insecurity and jealousy?

Like I said, I’m not a psychologist, but Lord knows I’ve read a lot of books on personality traits. A few especially on Mental abuse. And I wish I knew then what I know now because if I had, I wouldn’t be in this predicament. And it is a predicament because it is more than one obstacle that I have to overcome. Having been brainwashed and mentally and emotionally abused for over 15 years, I am going to have one heck of a time putting myself back together. Mental abuse is one of the hardest types of abuse to overcome, because what it does is messes with your head. Makes you paranoid and distrustful of others. It’s made me feel as if everyone I come into contact with has a motive. It has made me feel like I have to put everyone I come into contact with through some sort of interrogation and if I hear one negative thing, I’m outty! The thing about being what I mentioned last is, anybody at this point who is kinder than my husband,  you would think I’d be happy to run away with. But now I’m too cautious. So cautious that I’m afraid of every man, no matter what. And this is why I fear I’ll be alone forever and also one of the reasons why I’m afraid to leave.

I’ve been with this man for over a decade! I don’t know how to date. I’d be terrified. How do women do it these days? How do they get a divorce from one man and then find happiness with another without being mentally haunted by the former husband? See, this is what I mean by mental abuse. I also fear that I would never be able to make it on my own without him. Not only because he has made that clear but also because people are always preaching how a woman needs to learn to be alone, be happy and learn to love herself before she gets into another relationship. Well, honestly don’t think I could last that long. It could take me years or maybe even never for me to be happy with myself. I don’t like the idea of being alone. Especially now and at the age of 40 something. If I had a tough time finding a man before I got married what makes me think I will have an easier time now? I may have grown more mature mentally, but nothing has changed in the world for me. I go out and about now and I get any head turns. I don’t feel confident enough in myself to go out and just find this great guy who won’t mentally abuse me again, because I’ll be just as desperate as I was before in 1998 when I met this asshole. So maybe Ill stay right here and suffer? I mean, he knows me better than anyone else I will ever allow to get to know me ever again. He has seen the battle scars on my legs from a former car crash I had. What man would find my scars to be a turn on? What man would find my insecurity attractive? What man would find my low self-esteem as a project that they could help me to overcome?

I’m tired of seeing quotes that tell me that you attract a person by what you display outwardly.

I have been abused for over 15 years. So you really expect me to be bubbly? I’m sorry, but I just can’t. I’m the type of person that wears my feelings on my face. This is why I  don’t smile. It’s because I am so unhappy and lonely that I can’t fake happiness even if I tried. No man wants a woman like that. If I am to display happiness, I genuinely need to be happy. Why is that so hard to understand? Not even half of this long marriage was happy. He’s been like this throughout the entire time. Every time I had once of happiness without him, even if I just hung out with a few girlfriends, I was always afraid of him being upset and giving me the cold shoulder when I got home. He mentally messed me up and even though he was not around I just could not relax enough to have fun be happy.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have a great outgoing personality once you get to know me. But you have to get to know me. Maybe I do have a scowl on my face, but you can’t always judge a person by their facial countenance. I have been told many times (online) that I have a great and friendly personality but in reality I don’t have many friends and mainly because I’m not given a chance OR vice versa.

The SIGNS I just could not put my finger on Part I

I don’t know how or why I came upon this particular article while browsing the internet, but I read it and I was immediately blown away because what this woman was writing, saying, expressing, and making us all aware of was exactly has been happening to me for 16 long years. Whoever you are, I would like to thank you.

I’ve copied and pasted her words into my personal blog below but I have omitted what did not pertain to my particular marital relationship and I have added a little more detail of what similarly did relate. First off though I would like to admit that this may be plagiarizing but her words are exactly what I have explained if I had written them first, except she is a more experienced and much better writer than I am. 

What you will read in italicized is MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE  so that you won’t get too confused.

Give or take 19 Signs You’re Married to a Narcissist

by #Samantha Matthews written November 17, 2014

Married to a Narcissist ~

It’s been said that narcissism is one of the most difficult mental disorders to diagnose, for a few reasons; first, Narcissists tend to believe there is nothing wrong with them, so they do not admit to having problems and don’t seek help in the first place. Second, they are masters at appearing normal to the therapist. Often, if a couple is in therapy, the narcissist can put on such a great show that their partner ends up looking like they are the problem, and the therapist, if not knowledgeable about narcissism, will not see the real issue.

OMG, this is so true. My narcissist and I have been two counselors over the past 15 years and both times I came out looking like the fool even though I had pre-prepped the therapist about his behavior!! Even to this day he is still holding it over my head that the therapist believes that it was all in my head about what I believe is wrong with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Therapists can be manipulated to further abuse the victim, “proving” the narcissists accusations of their partner not doing enough and reinforcing the thought that the victim needs to do more. The victim may try and explain the behaviors of the narcissist and why it’s damaging the relationship, but the abuse is often so subtle it’s hard to verbalize and pinpoint how and why the marriage is deteriorating. It is far easier to think that you are causing the issues and if you change your behavior everything will return to “normal”.

Compounding the problem is the fact that the diagnostic definition of Narcissism is fairly subjective. And for victims of a narcissist, who have been brainwashed into thinking their relationship is fine and THEY are the problem, they may not be able to see their partners behaviors clearly identified in the following definition.

DSM definition:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievement).
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
Requires excessive admiration.
Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).
Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
Show arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
further information HERE

I agree with her opinion on this. My husband fits maybe one of the characteristics on this list. So if I didn’t know better, I wouldn’t have called it narcissism at all either. Thank goodness for her! Honestly, I am still leaning towards mental and emotional abuse, that’s if they are all basically the same thing?

Dating a Narcissist

1. He’s a charmer

Well, I wouldn’t go as far as all that was mentioned above but he did take me to the ritzy part of Dallas and buy me a Toto DVD. What can I say, I love Toto! Hahaha! He appeared sensitive to my feelings and he was a charmer too. But he was too damn quiet, which I thought he would overcome once we got to know each other better.

The flattery they lay on is thick, and if you’re aware, you will notice it right away. Unfortunately, if you’re caught up in the romance you may miss the manipulation that comes along with it. (As I did). Ask anyone who has ever been with a narcissist, they will tell you all the red flags were there. They will also tell you that they could see these red flags, but they dismissed them or rationalized the narcissist’s bad or questionable behavior away. The narcissist is relying on you to do this, which is part of why they’re trying so hard to romance you. Your instincts are there to protect you! If a guy seems “off,” he is!

My narcissist didn’t flatter me at all. Maybe that was a sign right there. A mind game. A sign that he didn’t want me to think I was attractive to him so I wouldn’t think I was attractive to anyone else. But then again, my narcissist has never complimented me on anything anyway. Not even to this day has he ever told me that my hair looked nice after a new hairstyle, or that the new jeans I was wearing complimented my butt or even that I was still attractive at all. Back in 1998, a woman like me who had had very few prior boyfriends and very little compliments from those types of men, I didn’t know back then what I know now, which is, it feels good to be complimented by a man that loves you. It makes you feel loved and makes you feel special.

2. He moves fast.

Narcissists have to move quickly in a relationship, plowing over your natural resistance with over the top romance. This makes you much more easily manipulated, as you’re naturally a bit off balance. Also, as you go deeper into the relationship, you reveal more of yourself to him, and trust him more (Never noticing the tidbits he tells you about himself are small and or incomplete, because he is such a great listener!). That then allows him to destroy you emotionally when he stops paying attention to you or starts abusing you. Once he’s got you hooked, he knows it will be hard, if not impossible for you to escape.

Ok, I must be honest and say that my narcissist and I only dated a few months (maybe 2) before I told him that I wanted a baby. It wasn’t because I found him to be such a great catch and that I wanted to settle down with HIM. It was because I was 28. I figured since I wasn’t finding the right man that I originally had wanted, I at least wanted a baby to love me and this guy seemed like he’d be a pretty good “daddy”. I mean, back then I hadn’t had the good sense to choose a man judging on his family background, mental stability or even maturity level because I obviously have a bad habit of choosing boys instead of men to be with!! So I’ll take the blame on this on this one. I was the one who rushed it. 

3. He will let you do all the talking.

A narcissist will let you pour your heart out to him (and if you’re reluctant he will pout, prod, and beg you to tell him ALL about yourself). He will gladly listen to your entire life story, so that he can learn how to exploit your points of weakness and so that you will see him as a comfort and — again — trust him.

I barely knew anything about him because he REFUSED to talk about himself. He would literally get angry when I would ask him about his childhood. But I would just blab and blab and blab about my dysfunctional one. 

Honestly, he sees it not so much as listening or communicating, but as gathering facts he can use against you later and as building up your trust in him. That said, his listening skills are not the greatest (mainly nodding) as his natural self-centeredness is almost impossible for him to overcome.

With my narcissist and I, I would usually do all the talking and he rarely ever responded. Well at least with a question, that is. I would always accuse him of never listening to me and he would get angry and loudly tell me that he was, but he never acted like he was. I, however, am the type of person whom if I’m interested or not, if you’re talking to me, I will either respond with a question regarding what you’re talking about or at least reiterate what you just said to let you know I was listening. I would never just sit there with no eye contact watching television.

4. He will seduce you.

Any boundaries you have set up are merely challenges to a narcissist. Don’t want to sleep together yet? He will take it as a personal victory when he ends up “changing your mind” in just a few days. Anytime you say no, they will find a way to change your mind, and do it in such a way you think it was actually your idea. Narcissistic men, in particular, love to use intense sex as a means of hooking their targets, and they tend to have lots of it.

I wouldn’t say that my narcissist did this too much when we were dating but he most certainly does it now. With all of his silent treatments and making me feel guilty for having hurtful feelings (which I guess I’m not supposed to have every day that he treated me unkind) for refusing to have sex with him. I guess in his mind, I was still OBLIGATED regardless. He would manipulate me into thinking that I needed to schedule having sex with him or when he worked 3rd shift and he would come home in the middle of the night, I would have to either keep myself awake and when I felt him crawl into bed, I’d wake up and have to be the one to initiate it.  I found myself feeling regretful having told him that we’d have sex tomorrow night and then when the day came, I would spend the whole day anxious and nauseous, knowing that I would HAVE to because now he was EXPECTING me to keep my word. And if I didn’t keep my word, boy, would I really feel the cold shoulder and hear the loud mumbling under his breath about me being a “touchless liar.”

Once he knows he has you hooked, either you have moved in together, married, or by some other means, his behavior will change. At least that is how it will appear to you. The charming man you fell in love with, the one who worshiped you, will fade away, or worse, you will wake up one day and he will have become an entirely different person. In reality, he is just no longer wearing the mask and is showing his true self to you.

So we immediately got started trying to have MY baby. We would have sex all the time even though it was the most excruciating sex I have ever experienced with any man in my life. I even kept track of my ovulation and things like that. I would take a pregnancy test every few weeks. Then finally it happened. I got preggers. But something else also happened. He turned into the devil. He had me and he knew it.

Traditional relationship progression???…Naaaah!

Everyone knows the traditional progression towards marriage right? The natural order would probably be to

1. meet him
2. discover common interests
3. become good friends
4. fall in love
5. date for one to two years
6. move in together
7. and possibly get married

Well, I didn’t do that   😦

This is why I feel like I ended up with a man like this. I guess I could describe it as not having enough “will power.” When I was a teen I told myself that I WAS NOT going to end up in a situation like my mum. I was strong. I was independent and I was in control. Then when I met this random stranger I relinquished all of it. My willpower to sustain from these types of bad relationships, somehow from desperation of being lonely and having standards set too high, I just gave up and settled. I’m only human. Please don’t judge.

A good friend of mine introduced me to this guy that lived in our apartment complex. He was white, tall and kinda cute. I bolded the word white because that was the 1st bad choice in choosing him. I figured what the hell, I ll go out on a date with this guy. I was 28 and he was 24. That was my 2nd bad choice. Our first date was odd and awkward. He was quiet. “DUH! RED FLAG YA IDIOT! You don’t even like shy quiet guys!!” That was my 3rd bad choice. But hey, it was a free meal, right? Hahaha! But seriously… Then he invited me over to his apartment. He had two cats and a friggin Burmese python snake! BOOM! That was my 4th bad choice. I’m terrified of snakes and C’mon, a single guy with two cats? How weird is that??

Anyway, I continued to date him. We can go ahead and call it what it is. I was desperate. I had just moved here to Texas. I was an attractive black woman on the hunt for attractive white men, BUT white men weren’t attracted to me. Who knows why? I’m tired of trying to figure it out and getting down on myself as to why I’m just not good enough.

After about two months I had decided that I had had it with his fucking snake getting out of its glass aquarium and finding it snuggled behind the refrigerator, tired of his pepperoni pizza ordering every single night, tired of his trying to pick me up and wrestle me like a WWF wrestler and spinning me around, and finally tired of his inability to TALK! I mean, how hard is it????

The day that I tried to walk out of his apartment to leave with the excuse that he was just too damn quiet, he ran up after me with tears in his eyes. And there ya have it, folks! If you’re wondering why and how I ended up with an ass like my husband, then is embarrassingly and ashamedly why.

1. We met
2. had dates
3. no common interests what so ever
4. I tried to leave
5. he cried
6. I stayed
7. we moved in together
8. I got preggers
9. got married because I felt it was the right thing to do
10. NOW LIVING UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER because I failed to do this,

YES, I WAS STUPID AND NEVER AGAIN WILL I NOT FOLLOW MY INTUITION.

Take it from a girl (me) that once dated a white guy, who smoked cigarettes and who cried when I tried to dump him after two years. The pathetic thing is, I couldn’t stand his smoking nor did I smoke cigarettes myself!

Opinions and contradictions

Quotes aren’t anything but opinions and contradictions. There have been millions of times when I have sought help through Pinterest or online quotes about strength and perseverance. Still every time I find myself confused and angry. “Be the bigger person.” Well, that’s a lot easier when you aren’t living with the person whom you’re trying to be bigger than. And it’s also easier when the other person isn’t a self-righteous egomaniac. Here are a few quotes that really perturbed me,

 This quote would make sense if my husband wouldn’t make me regret doing so  afterwards for being THE FIRST to do it.In our case and situation, I literally have to be brave and strong enough not to react the way that I truly feel inside when he makes me feel like shit when he didn’t even deserve an apology. The last line about being happiest because you apologised first is just a bunch of bullshit!

 Whoever created this one must have been a adolescent proud of themselves for not overreacting to a breakup!

Being nice to my husband after he’d hurt my feelings, called me pitiful, touchless, forced me to have unconsented sex, delegated instead of asked me to do things for him. and then rolled his eyes at me when it wasn’t done the way he would have done it, and criticized everything I did wrong. Being cordial  was the hardest thing I could ever have pulled off on a daily basis. I mean, slapping him doesn’t even come close to what I’d rather have done…

 Now this one could be his personal motto, except omit the word DESERVE. I don’t deserve to be silenced nor not even spoken to. Not even, Barely Two Words. One thing this quotes did get right was “The most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all.” Saying nothing at all, not even Barely Two Words can drive a person mental especially when the other person isn’t sure if it’s intentional or not. But even if it were, how fucked up is that!?

Are you serious!? If anything my husband is a perfect example for me of how NOT to treat another human being, because I AM ALREADY VICTIM. I will never ever treat a person the way he treats me all because he has unconsciously been showing me how not to.

Oh, but I did let race get in the way of my happiness…

I don’t know, blame it television!! Blame it on the tv shows that portrayed white men as unselfish, loving, romantic, kind and  thoughtful, Prince Charmings. Blame it on the tv shows that portrayed black men as selfish, unloving, cheating, cold-hearted, uneducated, gang banging, thugs. I gotta blame it on something. All I know is, it’s all I watched growing up. Elsewise I am one conflicted messed up woman. God knows my mom wasn’t respected.  She was a single mother of two with two baby daddy’s and every man she’d date thereafter, beat her ass. She dated amongst her own race but the men she dated petrified me. A few even went as far as child molestation and physical abuse. Can you try understand why as an 8-year-old growing,  I thought being with a white boy or man would have been better…safer?

I was proven wrong big time when I acquired my first boyfriend in the 12th grade and who was also white. We dated for almost a year. It was one of many relationships that I could not tear myself away from mutually. His name was Craig and Craig was crazy. As you’ll notice, I seem to attract the crazy manipulative crocodile tear crying men. The types that even if I tried to break up the water works would get to flowing and I just couldn’t seal the deal. Which, by the way, includes my current husband.  This message would be just perfect for him,

Because not only did I tell him that I didn’t think it was going to work out because he was just too quiet and wouldn’t talk, he also promised he would try from now on, then he ran after me with tears in his eyes!!

My husband was a guy that even on our first date, HE WOULD NOT SAY A WORD. He just sat there. I was so bored. He took me to a Mexican restaurant and because I was so bored, I started listening on the couple’s conversation sitting at the table behind us. And still till this day nothing has changed. We both just sit there awkwardly.  BARELY TWO WORDS!! Sixteen years of awkwardedity. That’s a new word ya’ll, I just made it up. 😉     I should have named my blog that.

Looking for love in all the wrong places

 This is how all of this got started. Back in 1987, when I was first rejected by a black boy. Black boys were never attracted to me or at least they never acted like it. Then my aunt and uncle both dated interracially which again put it in my head that it was acceptable, to “go with” white boys. But then again, I didn’t have any good examples of the type of white boys to seek out. I mean, my aunt’s boyfriend was one of her clients she attained and blackmailed and my uncle dated this white woman  that…., and my dad was married to a white woman. So of course I thought, if black guys weren’t attracted to me, maybe white boys would be.

My first heartbreak was with this blue eyed, black wavy-haired boy named Garrick. I had been crushing on him from 4th to 6th grade. It was in the 6th grade that I finally got up the courage to tell him so.  I’ll also never forget his rejection either. The response that will always ring in my ears were, “Black people aren’t supposed to like white people.” Honestly, I don’t even remember my own reaction. I guess because after that moment it didn’t really matter.

Anyway, I spent the rest of 6th-8th grade pining after him anyways, but still wondering if black guys would ever look my way. A few did, but the ones that seemed interest always had an ulterior motive or I always assumed they did. Most times I was spot on, though.

Crush after crush, rejection after rejection, I wound up just hating every boy I saw, except Garrick.

Finally high school rolled around, and apparently I had blossomed from an ugly duckling into a swan. But still no guy wanted to approach me. I had white guy friends, who seemed really kind, playful and flirtatious, but never or seemed afraid to cross that line, ya know? Then this amazing thing happened in the 7th grade! I was finally attracted to a black boy. I mean I was attracted to him and that’s pretty rare for me. His name was Carlos. Carlos was not very attractive at all. He literally looked like Steve Urkel. He had big old glasses, big ears that stuck out, he wore braces, had a hi-top hair cut, and he was tall and bowlegged. Bwahahahaha! No joke ya’ll.  But there was something about him and he was looking at me!! Although he wasn’t that attractive he hung out with the cool guys. He was confident, cool and dressed really well. I liked that. He asked for my number first. I went home and waited and waited and waited for him to call. He didn’t. When I saw him at school, he made up some excuse. The next day he called and invited me over. I was so stoked!! So I went over and sat.

The next day during wrestling cheer practice, I overheard one of the black wrestlers telling another, that Carlos had won the bet and then they looked over at me. I approached Jamal and Earnest and asked what they were talking about and they just laughed like the cocky assholes that they were, and said that Carlos told them that he made a bet with them that he would be able to take my virginity.

He lied. Then I realized it was all a bet. He only spoke to me because, maybe I had desperation written all over my face and body. Desperation seeking attention, affection, romance, and love. Pretty much everything that all the other students were showing the school hallways bet me. Maybe be he thought, I looked naive enough to be played. Well because of him and that experience, it only pushed me away from trusting black men even more. Of course now 30 years later, I’ve learned that dogs are dogs no matter black, white, Mexican, Chinese or whatever race. Men will be men.

By the way, my abusive husband of 16 years is a white man. Which proves my point.