Fokking it up, before it gets started

How do I fake self confidence long enough for someone to fall in love with me? I’m not going to lie when I confess that I’m starved for love.

I’ve spent all of my life feeling as if wasn’t loved by my mother and then my narcissistic husband of 17 years. Now it breaks me heart to say that my own son doesn’t show love for me either.

I just keep fokking up every attempt I make to secure a relationship even if it’s only been a few weeks into it. I seem to always find a way to overthink my way right out of it, thus DESTROYING it.

I recently made a huge mistake and it wasn’t even intentional which is why I believe apart of me keeps doing things like this on purpose. 😡

I just met this girl (only days ago) in a group on this social media site. I really like her alot already. We’re totally compatible. We’ve been chatting quite often via phone, video and texting and I enjoy being paid attention to.

Then I go and get this wild hair and post a question in two of the same types of groups asking “If two people do this on a regular basis should it be assumed that their relationship is exclusive?” I don’t know why I do absentminded shit like this, I just do 🤷🏽‍♀️ Also another reason what prompted me to ask this question in the first place was my observance of another similar group where the women emotions have moved to fast believing that texting, calling, and videoing were enough to consider it a relationship without even asking first which is how and why they wind up hurt.

One person assumes the other is only exclusive to them, when they’re not and is off dating and talking to other people as well.

Long story short (lol, yeh right), I think my new friend may have seen this post and assumed that I was talking about us. 😮 Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! Why did I have to post the stupid question!?! Why didn’t I think that she wouldn’t see it and not believe I was talking about her? So, I probably fucked that potential relationship up before it even got started. 😥 I hate myself. I haven’t spoken to her yet…

I asked a Facebook group this question…

I’m not asking for myself. I’m asking what YOU’D do.

When you’ve met someone in a group that you really like and y’all begin messaging, calling, video, etc, back and forth on a regular bases,

1. Would YOU assume that you two are exclusively chatting with one another only?

2. Would YOU keep accepting more friend requests and chatting with others as well thus keeping your options open?

The best answers I received were:

  • If I wanted it to be exclusive I would tell them that. I wouldn’t cut off people I was cool with or not talk to someone who was just looking for a friend though. Too many times people overthink things and go to the extremes only to get their feelings hurt in the end because instead of making sure you are on the same page they just assume. None of us are mind readers
  • Communication is everything and I feel i would pick 1. If we talk all the time I would make it known what my intentions are and build a relationship from that connection.
  • I never assume anything other than we’re getting to know each other and we’re friends. I would also talk to other people if I wanted to and I would expect that the other person would until we meet and it becomes something more serious
  • I’d never assume I was the only one they were talking to. If I was wondering about it I’d just keep it real and come right out and ask them. Life’s too short to waste time wondering.
  • As said above don’t assume, and definitely communicate
  • I friend zone everyone. I relationship comes off the back of all that we have in common. The need for what is acceptable to both needs to be understoid, so no one gets hurt.
  • Talking to someone regularly doesn’t commit you to them in any way. Like most adults, I wouldn’t assume any exclusivity until we agreed to that.
  • This level of codependency, and assumption of a fast paced committment screams that whom ever has this expectation needs some counseling.
  • Well for some they might be lonely and this type of conversation is stimulating to that feeling. However their can be misleading words that make some feel that it is a relationship. Seriously behind a screen relationships are not built because only being in a physical contact can you actually see the real heart. Words on a text are just that, and the tone of the words are not conveyed.

What “Broken” Means

From someone else perspective:

“I would think that a broken woman is a woman who has flaws but is unwilling to acknowledge them, get help, or allows those flaws to stifle her ability to love her partner as deserved.

To a broken woman, those flaws can then be used as justification or excuses for their unhealthy or toxic behaviors. These women are usually able to then skirt responsibility for their actions or guilt you into staying in the relationship to “heal” and “fix” them. These women often believe it is their partner’s responsibility for mending their broken pieces together. It is a recipe for disaster and I want no parts of it.

Broken women are often saying things like, “Well that’s how I am”, “Go ahead and leave me like they all do.” “Why are you giving up on me?” I can’t stand that mess.

If I were dating you hypothetically, I would be happy to know that at least you are aware of your flaws. Then we can start having constructive dialogues about where the source of our low self esteem lies, we can talk about what boundaries shouldn’t be crossed, what triggers our feelings, what can we do to help each other feel confident without overwhelming each other, all of these things and more would help us build a fundamentally different type of relationship rather than walking into the relationship and being blind-sided with everything at once.”



Feeling like I’m being
judged for all the terrible things
that has happened to me
as if I have the cooties or
Is the saddest and loneliest
feeling in the world

© she
Sept 6, 2018

#lonliness #sadness #depression #abandoned