Don’t judge my reasons unless you’re perfect yourself


I know you’ve heard of how women get their asses beat by their husbands or boyfriends and how they end up leaving and going right back. Well as a child of domestic abuse myself, when I was younger, I could never understand why my mom never got her shit together, took us kids and just left. I told myself that I was NEVER going to be that type of stupid woman over a man. But now I understand why, or at least, I realize what has prevented me from leaving and staying stay gone forever. I don’t know the details of why other women have stayed, but I know that in each of our own separate reasons, it had to be something incredible that held us there. I’m going to just mention mine without trying to sound like I’m making excuses which at first I thought they were but after doing some reading from Abuse Awareness books, my reasons were pretty justified. I mean, I’m not happy about it at all, no but at least I know that I am not alone feeling this way.

  • There is this book called A Last Look Back: Understanding Abuse in which breaks down the Obstacle Barriers, which enclose women in abusive relationships or circumstances. The outermost circle of the three barriers is the Environmental barrier. It includes such things as being unemployed, not having any credit, any money or even knowing how to handle money. It also includes not having a safe place to go within the community. I fall under this particular environmental barrier because I am not employed. I have literally been a stay at home forever. I know, I know, I set myself up for that one. But that does not mean that I am stupid or that I don’t know how to function out in the world. Duh! I do have credit, however, my husband screwed that up for me by making me sign off on things that required one of us to have the better credit. For instance, bankruptcy, and car loans and scheisse like that which eventually got repossessed! Sorry, I’m getting a little upset. Now, in preparation for this divorce, I have planned, I am trying my best to get straightened out on my credit report.
  • Then the next circle describes the Family and Social Barriers and can include lack of family support and religious beliefs against divorce and separation. Well, a family can only stay so long at a women’s shelter and you have to constantly be looking for a job and worry about your kids playing with strangers and such. The stress alone of knowing that, would drive any woman back to her abusive marriage (which I did, within a week) if she had nowhere else for her children and herself to go. This is what happened to me back in 2006 when I tried to take my baby boy and leave the first time. I will tell you now that “religious beliefs” are no longer in the picture for me and the reason why will have to come in another blog entry. In addition, I had a lack of family and friends as well.  I have family of course, BUT they live 1200 miles away and we don’t really associate nor do I want to put myself in a just an equal or worse severe situation than I’m in already. My family is dysfunctional and has a history of criminal acts such as drug dealing, prostitution, alcoholism, theft, drug addiction, con artists, and everything destructive under the sun. The worst things that you would never want to live amongst. One of my aunts and uncles have died due to having drowned in a lake because he was drunk (alcoholic) and-and my aunt was found dead in her apartment due to crack cocaine overdose. She had been there for days!!!  Where I come from is chaotic and crazy. I’m literally the black sheep of the family. Why would I want to go back to that? Even dire desperation couldn’t drag me back to that. You’re probably thinking, “chaotic and crazy is nothing.” I would have not where to go and nowhere to live unless you enjoy live in an roach infested living quarters and having to sleep with one eye open because my own damn mum might steal my purse. Yeah, I said it and no, I don’t think so. Besides what kind of mother would I be to take my son and raise him in an environment like that!? But sometimes, the way he (he’s 16 now) watches his dad treat me like shit every day, it makes me wonder if I’d been better off having raised him alone anyway. At least he’d have respect for me. His “dad” made sure not to let that happen.
  • The next innermost circle describes the Psychological Barriers, a woman faces, such as fear for her own safety or the safety of her children. By our second year of marriage, I was already mentally f*cked up anyway because of his treatment. I was scared of him. He would monitor my mileage on my car. He would get upset if I didn’t call or text him immediately back, he would get jealous if another guy even looked at me or I at them, he would interrogate me as to why I had taken so long to get from here to there, he would do really insecure stuff like that. I was paranoid and was walking on egg shells by that point. He had threatened to take my son if I tried to leave and that even if I did, he would be the one who was awarded custody because I didn’t have a job and I suffered from major depression. As he called it, “unstable.” He would say “if you don’t want to be here, then you can just go back to your mama!” But he knew very she lived in a tiny apartment on section 8 housing. I didn’t come from the typical family where if I had trouble in the marriage, I could go back home to an awaiting father and mother living in a large 5 bedroom house, where the meals were furnished and I had all the love and support I could ever dream of from friends and family. I had NOTHING to go back to, and he knew it. I always felt like he had the upper hand. And he knew that too.

Robin Williams said it best…and now he’s dead

Robin-Williams-feeling alone

“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.” That’s most likely how I’m going to go out as well. Death by suicide. Due to loneliness in a marriage where there was literally Barely Two Words spoken on a daily basis. Living day by day with a passive aggressive, immature man who punishes me with silent treatments either because of his insecurity while forcefully bullying me with his need for power and control. It has been a long 15 years and it has driven me insane and back. The major trap in this marriage is that I have nowhere else to go. In the next blog entry or so , I’ll tell you why…

Being ignored and neglected has forced me to live inside my head, to talk to myself, to talk out loud to myself, and to talk to my chihuahua which I swear I think he can understand what I’m saying by now. Hahaha! People look at me like I’m crazy when I take him for walks because I am just chatting along with him talking to him as if he was a child or something. Hahaha! I’ve become more in tune with myself than I can handle. When you talk about introspective personalities, I’m one of the most complicated that I know of. LOL!

But seriously, this is not funny. It sad. But I am so sick and tired of my miserable life being so “Woe-is-me”, that I have to make it humorous occasionally just to break the monotony. I can hear sad violins every time I tell my story or write about my life. But I don’t want pity from anyone. You know why? Because I am keeping my head up. I WILL LEAVE THIS MONSTER someday soon. I just need to be prepared. “If you don’t fail to prepare, then prepare to fail.” I have to get all of my ducks lined up in a row.

He was a boy, not yet a man

I’m not going to lie and tell you that whatever you say to me after you hear my story can’t and won’t make me feel any worse than I already do because it would. It totally would. So please don’t. I am a very sensitive person and I am not as strong as I would like to be, especially now that I am in this mentally exhausting marriage. I am weak. I feel weak. So please don’t go intentionally trying to make me any weaker. I already beat myself up every single day for the wrong choices that I made over 20 years ago. And when it boils down to it, they were my own choices. No one forced me into them. I had a choice. Yes or no? Do you wanna or don’t ya wanna? And regretfully I chose wrong when I decided to stay with this man. I’m only human, JUST LIKE YOU.

We all make decisions based off of what we call, “doing what is right.” Well, fifteen years ago I got with a boy, not yet a man, who I thought would make a good “dad.” Let me first clarify that, in my opinion, there is a very difference between both a boy and man and a father and daddy. But that’s another journal entry…

Back in 1998, I will admit that I was a bit naive and desperate. I got with this boy and immediately had a planned pregnancy, then because I didn’t want to repeat old family patterns of parental fatherly abandonment, I married him, EVEN though he had already started abusing me in every way possible but physical and even though I didn’t love him.

Trust me, this blog is unfortunate, but appropriately titled.

Barely Two Words is the type communication lifestyle I’ve lived with for the last 15 years being married to both a mentally abusive and narcissistic man.

This journal is not an attempt to seek advice because I’ve heard every piece of advice that here is suggesting why and how I should leave this crippling marriage, but people ya gotta realize that #1. I am not young and dumb (you can think that, but I’m not) and #2.  If you haven’t walked in my shoes or willing to deal with the consequences of me having taken some random strangers advice, then don’t suggest any, please. Well…  unless you DO want me to show up on your doorstep with all of my belongings and looking for a place live all  because you thought it was “simple as that” to just up and leave my prior circumstances….

Well, I guess I will just dive right on in on  the next blog entry. I won’t do the chronological order life history type of thing because I tried that before and I only made myself and my readers confused. Hahaha! Trust me, it got hectic.

So. I’ll just journal and when I need to explain why and when something came to be, then I will do so. That way we are all not going, “What the heck!?”

Thank you all and I hope a lot of you will find my situation relatable and we can find ways to work through this with courage, strength, and support.