Why do people keep asking me this…

“Why do you care what people say or think?”

Why do people keep asking me that, as if I’m abnormal. As if there’s something wrong with me??

I argued with my therapist about this dumb as question this morning, as to why people keep asking me, “Why do you care what people say or think about you? morning. Sometimes I feel like she doesn’t validate my feelings, but then again I’m BPD and no matter what she tells me, I think she’s hanging up on me.

Anyway, my therapist challenges me to answer the question. “Hell, I don’t fuckn’ know why I care!” I exclaim back. This is also when I began to get angry because I really wanted to say, “I don’t know, you tell me!” in which she’d come back with some smart ass remark with a smirky smile on her face which makes me want to hit the END SESSION button on the teletherapy video session with her.

I know she means well, but like I’ve read in Psychology Today, BPD patients are the toughest mental disordered people to work with. Now I know why and I can’t stand myself.

I can’t be the only person on this planet who cares what people think about them. I can’t be the only person who has low self-esteem, extremely sensitive about what people may think about me. I’ll admit I go through many phases and especially when I’m triggered.

Like currently my roommate who’ve I’ve been “temporarily” staying with since August 25, (because of the Derecho Storm Damage to my apartment) ask me, I didn’t ask her, she asked me to come stay with her until my apartment was fixed. Yet this whole stay has been miserable for me.

She askes like she doesn’t even like me. The fucked up thing is, we went to highschool together, we were in Show Choir together, we’ve talked on Facebook messenger at times, I’m on her, Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter account, etc, and she acts like she has no interest in even having a conversation with me. I’m lonely here. She triggers my experience with my ex husband who emotionally abused me for 17 years.

I just don’t understand how you can live under the same roof with someone and they never conversate with you! I just don’t get it and I never will!! It’s like walking on eggshells living here. I can’t stand it I would go in and talk to her, but she’s always on her phone. Either it be Facebook (snapping pics of herself and getting a million likes or loves) Twitter, Instagram, Snap Chat or watching her recorded TV shows. I don’t want to go in there and bother her.

Maybe it is me. When I don’t get paid attention to I get ANGRY, I mean really angry. I’m not a physical type of angry
I just it and it becomes resentment. Just like I did with my ex husband. He paid more attention to everything else he loved (recorded TV shows reptiles and snakes, exotic fish with high maintenance fish tanks, garden, mowing …. He’d find anything that he could just to not be involved with me, not to speak to me, not to love me. Which is narcissistic neglect that I suffered for years and years.

Now wonder I’m so fucked up at the age of 48. But that’s irrelevant right now.

I guess by the end of the day, all I need is someone to talk to and she has no interest in doing so. 😥

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