I miss you, poo

I miss you, son. I miss the baby boy I once held in my arms. The innocent, the uninfluenced child that you used to be.

I wish I knew what I did that hurt you. I wish I knew why I keep blaming myself only.

Was a bad mom in your eyes? Was too selfish in your eyes?

Why can’t you love me or try and understand what I went through, or even what I suffered through?

Why don’t you even care?

It’s time to let go

I was so sick and tired of people telling me that my son would “eventually” come around. Eventually “see” me. Eventually realize my sacrifices (stay in a mentally and emotionally abusive marriage for over 15 years) that I made for him and eventually love me like a son is supposed to love his mother.

My therapist finally made me realize that “eventually” isn’t guaranteed and I’m sick and tired of waiting on my son to show me that he loves me. Instead he up and abandoned me. Just like that. It’s like I don’t even exist to him. 😥

He’s 22 now. He doesn’t call or text me. Or at least since December 2021 which was after I mailed him his Xmas gift. I haven’t heard a peep from him since.

I’m done being emotionally abused by my own son. I’m done.

I’m not a single person anymore

Therefore, I’ve got to stop thinking and acting single-mindedly. I’m in a whole relationship now. Can you believe it? I can’t. 🤣 Yeh, I just laughed at myself. 🤪😜

It’s so surreal, but why does it have to be? Isn’t this supposed to be a normal feeling for the average person? Instead, it’ll be me disassociating and asking myself “why am I acting like this or that, or why aren’t I doing this or that to make so-and-so happier?”

I’ve even preached when I was married that relationships take two people, not just one person, to make it work. I want to avoid being that person not helping make it work.

Likewise, I resented my husband for his unrequited actions. I want to avoid being resented for mine. The heat 🔥 is on. 🥵

At the end of the day…

I’m going to be mentally refucked no matter what new method of thinking I try.

A man’s negative reactions and behaviors towards me are what I’ve come to expect. “Some women just have it, some women don’t. I never have.”

A beautiful woman will tell a plain average woman to simply change the way she thinks about herself, or believe the opposite of what she really is, i.e., “I’m all that and a bag of chips” and men will start seeing her as “all that and a bag of chips,” aka attracted to her.
So, the average plain woman runs to put on a little eyeliner, mascara, lipstick, and blush. She changes the way she dresses and gives this “new thinking” a try, but it doesn’t work. At least not the way those other prettier women said that it would. Nothing changes.
Bob, for example, still, doesn’t give her a second glance.