Category: SHE-POETRY

My actual and factual life. This is me in shepoetry.

Friendships

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I can’t decide which hurts worse. Being unfriended by someone you’ve stuck by during two of the most tramatic points in her life (that I know of, anyway) or the fact that she did it because you hurt a friend you both shared together without giving you any explanation why or even talking to you at all about it. I’m kinda stunned right now. Cheating, especially while living under the same roof) on your spouse just because you’re unhappy doesn’t solve anything.

Yeh, I’ve been unhappy. Very unhappy. Miserable one could even say. One could even say that I’ve emotionally cheated at least 10 times in the past 22 years I’ve been married, (still married, but separated as of 3 years now.) However, I’ve never went as far as sleeping with another person 🤢🤮 as a matter of fact everytime I even thought about it, I’d feel sick with guilt and I hadn’t even done it…

Anyway, this woman (dear, friend of mine up until a few days ago) cheated on her wife. Like me she’d been miserable and unhappy. Well, the woman she cheated with was in my opinion was con artist who happened to manipulate my friend out of thousands of dollars with the first 4 to 6 months. I kept telling and warning my friend that this other woman was using her as well as lying about why she needed the money. I’m sorry, but how stupid, naive, and asinine can you be to continue to be fed the same manipulative bullshit every single time…and realize it the whole time!?! This whole time claiming that “I know, I think your right, but I love her and she loves me.” 🙄 I’m like, “c’mon , can’t you see that she’s using you!?!”

Her whole dramatic love affair was affecting me so much that it was all I could think about. Why did I even care?… Why, because she was my friend and I wanted to protect her, but she just wasn’t listening and became more and more blind and stubborn month by month. Eventually, I told her to just stop talking about this other woman because all it was doing was making me angry at the con artist and even madder at her, especially because she would ask me for advice and share my tech skills to basically stalk her “side-chick-con-artist”, to find out why she wasn’t texting her back, why her “side chick’s” messenger would show available up until she popped on in the morning then switch to unavailable, how could she tell if her “side chick” had opened her text or not, why her side chick wasn’t answering everyone of her hourly calls a day and last but not least, my friend was constantly worried if her con-artist-side-chick was still sleeping with her live-in roommate which was also her ex-girlfriend who despised their relationship.

I just wanted out! I wanted out of the drama! I couldn’t take it anymore.

All this time, my friend continued to Western Union hundreds of dollars a week to this nut!!😮 Every time this other woman asked for it, my friend would send it. 😠 I’d tell my friend, that the next time her side chick asked for money to tell her no and see what her response would be. Low and behold, the side chick asked again, my friend said no, but with a little manipulation from the side chick, my friend would end up sending a few hundred dollars again.

Eventually, I stopped talking to her. I avoided her for months. She’d attempt to say “hi”, every now and then, but I’d ignore her because as soon as I’d say “hi” back, I feared she’d start talking about this other woman or how now her wife was divorcing her and taking mostly everything, one reason being because of her infidelity and the other reason was that her wife was a lazy, scornful, vindictive bitch anyway (or at least that’s what I was told). In addition to my FEAR I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep from saying, “That’s what you get.” I wasn’t going to feel sorry for her anymore.

Welp, I ended up doing just that day before yesterday in a Facebook message, after which I felt terrible and very judgmental. 😔 I told her how I felt about the whole infedelity, how she made me feel as I was enabling her, supporting her and causing me to stress about her shit! She’d because toxic to me. Just like I was toxic to people who I complained to about Robert, but never did anything to change the situation. Not saying that I hadn’t tried. I just felt so trapped in that marriage. BUT I NEVER CHEATED. Oh, and I had to add on how much of a fool she was for allowing this other woman (who basically told her on several occasions) that she had lied about some expected income she was waiting on to pay my friend back for all that money she asked for, 🙄 which I repeatedly warned my friend that that was a lie too. BUT SHE JUST WOULDN’T LISTEN TO ME. When the side chick finally confessed that it was a lie, my friend still remained in the relationship with this woman which REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off!!!!!! 😠😡💣🤯👿

The Facebook Message I sent a few days to her was actually about me setting boundaries for myself. Boundaries I’ve always had difficulties setting and then following through with.

In conclusion, my other dearest friend dumpped me as well, because of my setting boundaries with other friend. At first I cried (weped truthfully), I felt like killing myself. Then I talk to my therapist yesterday afternoon, which said that I did the right thing (accepting being unfriended) for setting these boundaries and if my other friend was just going to let me go that easily (because of someone else’s choices) then she really wasn’t a friend at all.

Borderline Personality Disorder- My lasted newer discovery

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I want to vent about something and I’m being very vulnerable as I’m doing this. I’ve been seeing a new therapist for almost 3 years. I went in there knowing that I had a mental disability, but I was in denial. Although she knew what it was she would not come right out and remind me “Your behaving this way because you have a _______”, so we spent two and a half years pussyfooting around the diagnosis which was given to me over 25 years ago by my very first psychiatrist. Anyway, these bahavioral patterns/signs of mine regarding the mental disorder, truthfully I failed to associate the two and I don’t know why. All I know is I kept repeating them over and over losing friend after friend. My tendency to constantly push friends and relationships away for the silliest reasons I wound up being alone. All these years the good friends I’ve accused of doing things to me or not caring enough, I just learned were actually signs of Borderline Personality Disorder and I was diagnosed with it over over 25 years ago which soon after I went into denial. I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t understand the details of it or the specific signs and behaviors of it. All I did knew was that the stigma for BPD was associated with being a really negative thing peoples eyes. All these years the good friends I’ve accused of doing things to me or not caring enough, I just learned were actually signs of BPD. My therapist also just started introducing me to a new term called COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS. And I googled it. I couldn’t believe what I have read!!😮 Most every one of those traits were me! Just like the link I’ve provided on how people with BPD self- sabotage, described me! I was tripping out. I cried. I hated myself for hurting three out of five of the closest friends I’ve ever trusted. Now those friends will never trust me again, which I don’t blame them anymore. I used to, but now knowing what I know the friends I had don’t deserve being treated like that.

P. S. And just to let you know Borderline Personality Disorder is such a complex and broad-spectrum Disorder. No case is the same.

borderline and self sabotage