I want to vent about something and I’m being very vulnerable as I’m doing this. I’ve been seeing a new therapist for almost 3 years. I went in there knowing that I had a mental disability, but I was in denial. Although she knew what it was she would not come right out and remind me “Your behaving this way because you have a _______”, so we spent two and a half years pussyfooting around the diagnosis which was given to me over 25 years ago by my very first psychiatrist. Anyway, these bahavioral patterns/signs of mine regarding the mental disorder, truthfully I failed to associate the two and I don’t know why. All I know is I kept repeating them over and over losing friend after friend. My tendency to constantly push friends and relationships away for the silliest reasons I wound up being alone. All these years the good friends I’ve accused of doing things to me or not caring enough, I just learned were actually signs of Borderline Personality Disorder and I was diagnosed with it over over 25 years ago which soon after I went into denial. I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t understand the details of it or the specific signs and behaviors of it. All I did knew was that the stigma for BPD was associated with being a really negative thing peoples eyes. All these years the good friends I’ve accused of doing things to me or not caring enough, I just learned were actually signs of BPD. My therapist also just started introducing me to a new term called COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS. And I googled it. I couldn’t believe what I have read!!😮 Most every one of those traits were me! Just like the link I’ve provided on how people with BPD self- sabotage, described me! I was tripping out. I cried. I hated myself for hurting three out of five of the closest friends I’ve ever trusted. Now those friends will never trust me again, which I don’t blame them anymore. I used to, but now knowing what I know the friends I had don’t deserve being treated like that.
P. S. And just to let you know Borderline Personality Disorder is such a complex and broad-spectrum Disorder. No case is the same.